The Week Of Asking About Time Travel: Letter to Plimoth Plantation, Green Forest wants to give me free stuff, just not now

As I've mentioned before, there are many kinds of form letters. Some are, seemingly, written by a computerized monkey. Some feature a single, subtle, personalized sentence toward the very end that indicates a human might have read your letter. And then there are my favorite kinds of form letters: Those that throw in an entire personalized section for you, but do a lousy job of covering up the fact that the rest of the letter was written by a quality assurance person who retired over ten years ago. Consider this letter from Green Forest (yes, those font changes are theirs, not mine, and no, I did not mess with the grammar in any way):

Hello Kristen;

Firstly, thank you for your email, and kind words.

Everyone here would like you to know your support is sincerely appreciated.

Also, we do agree, and recognize that getting our products into the hands of first time consumers is important. Therefore, we hope to have coupons available to potential consumers in the future, and invite you to contact us at a later date to see if they are available.

Again, we thank you for contacting us, and we do apologize for not being able to accommodate your request at this time. However, if we can be of help to you in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Warmest regards,

PLANET INC.

Lottie Boettcher

Consumer Affairs

My favorite things about this letter:
1. They don't force themselves to make the difficult decision between a comma or a colon in their salutation, but allow themselves to compromise with the all-purpose, not-quite-right semi-colon.
2. They never say that their letter is in response to my inquiry to Green Forest toilet paper. Only through some investigation do I learn that PLANET INC. (not sure why the company name is all in caps) owns Green Forest.
3. The fact that they admit they have nothing to give me for free now, but that they might the next time I ask. Just like a girl on Wednesday night Luther League who's playing hard to get!
4. And, of course, I can't help but love their overt font changes.

Alrightee then. That put me in a good mood. I'm going to write to Plimoth Plantation now, and ask why they spell Plimoth with an "i" when everyone else spells it with a "y."

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede

There are historical reenactments that involve giant stadiums and there are historical reenactments that involve the Civil War, but only Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede (branches in Myrtle Beach, Branson, and just outside Dollywood) combine the two for a rollicking Civil War reenactment stadium style dining experience!

From what I've been told, when guests arrive at the Stampede, they are seated in either the Confederate or Union cheering section (and apparently, they aren't given a choice of which). Once seated, they are treated to rodeo-style tricks, a four-course meal served by southern belles, and yes, a battle between Lee's and Grant's armies.

I can't imagine a better way to experience our nation's rich history!

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to the Medieval Times

Some people like to say the word "huzzah" and dress up in pointy hats and play games with 13-sided dice and pretend that they are being followed around by dragons.

I am not one of those people.

I do, however, think you'd have to be lunatic not to enjoy a night of Renaissance-era stadium-style entertainment courtesy of the Medieval Times in New Jersey.

I know what you're thinking: what's the difference?

Well, my friends, trust me. There are MANY MANY MANY differences between D and D loving dorks and historical reenactment enthusiasts.

Among them: 1) D and D dorks experience life through fantasy. 2) Historical reenactment enthusiasts experience life through reality. 3) D and D dorks know how to talk in elfin languages. 4) Historical reenactment enthusiasts have had sex.

I would like to enjoy some of the history that the Medieval Times has to offer, and I would like to experience it for free. Maybe I'll even get my boyfriend to set aside his Magic The Gathering cards long enough to come and join me. Afterwards, if I'm lucky, we'll go home, cuddle on the couch, and enjoy a little historical reenacting of our own.

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to Old Sturbridge Village, apologies to my readers

Several of you have kindly pointed out to me that I've been rather negligent about getting my posts up on time over the past week. It's been so bad, in fact, that at one point I didn't post anything new for three full days.

For this, I apologize.

But, please, if I may, let me explain why: I'm busy.

Yes, I know. We're all busy.

But really. I'm super busy.

I don't want to get into the full details just now, but let's put it this way. I have, until the end of the month, a very time-consuming short-term job. In addition to that, I have my on-going part-time gig (which I will tell you more about someday soon). And on top of all that, I have my Year of Asking.

I know. It doesn't sound like that much. It could be a thousand times worse. I could have eighteen kids like those Duggers on TLC or a strenuous new dance routine to learn every week like those D-listers on Dancing with the Stars or a complicated race around the world to complete like those people on The Amazing Race or even worse: I could be someone with a family and job and not involved in TV.

In any event, what I have to contend with keeps me awfully busy and wishing that I had a lot more time.

And so, this week, I am asking for just that -- time and time travel, in the most realistic and exciting way it can currently be experienced: through historical reenactments.

My first letter will be to Old Sturbridge Village, the expansive New England living history museum that refers to itself on its website as a "must see" destination.

Why they choose to put quotation marks around the words "must see" I am not clear. Perhaps I will ask in my letter.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Al Franken

Today's letter:

Dear Al,

You probably don't remember me. We met a couple year's ago the wedding of my friends Joel (your former Air America employee) and Linda (his now wife). At the wedding, you were kind enough to humor me with a couple of joint shots in the photo booth.

As we kidded around, I told you how much I liked photo booths and how much I loved Linda and Joel and how great I thought it was that, like me, you were both a New Yorker and a Minnesotan.

But what I didn't tell you was that -- like a lot of middle aged women and socially awkward men -- my mom LOVES you. She loves the work you did on Saturday Night Live. She was one of your biggest cheerleaders during your senate race. And she was tickled pink when I showed her the pictures of the two of us in the photo booth.

This is why I'm writing. Ever since you more or less secured the senate seat in Minnesota, and Barack Obama secured the other big seat in the Oval Office, my mom has been really bummed out. This isn't your fault (obviously). It's a lot of things. But I do think she misses having something to be feisty about.

And here's where the favor comes in: Would you (if you have the time) do me a favor and send my mom a postcard, photo, or note asking her to keep up the good fight? Or maybe it can say: "You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you." Or maybe even: "I'm secretly a Republican!" I can't tell you how happy it would make her.

Regardless, I know you're really busy, but if you have a couple minutes to spare, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you, and congratulations on becoming newest senator of the great state of Minnesota!

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to

At one point in her life, my mom really fancied the idea of writing down her life story. During that time, she read a lot of memoirs. She talked about taking writing classes. She even attended a few readings by autobiographers.

I would really like it if my mom revisited this idea of hers (if that's something she thinks she would still enjoy). And so I am going to write to the Loft, an amazing, nurturing literary center in Minnesota, asking if they will welcome her to a few free classes.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to the Puzzle Master

Do you know the name Will Shortz? Have you heard of the Puzzle Master? Do you like to play sudoku? If so, then you might be my mom!

Indeed, my mother is one of the biggest sudoku lovers in the entire world. She taught me how to play a few years ago and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with her.

I would love it if Will Shortz -- the Puzzle Master of NPR, the crossword editor of the New York Times, the former guest of the Oprah Winfrey Show, and the sudoku mastermind behind such best-sellers as The Little Black Book Of Sudoku -- would send my mother a free copy of one of his sudoku books. Maybe, if I ask real nice, he will.

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to Magnolia Plantation

There's a type of plantation that's slightly different from the Plimouth Plantation variety in our American history, and let's be honest, it's the kind that most of us think about when we ponder our nation's past. Yes, people, that's right, I'm talking about the kind of plantation that enslaves people.

Here's what I know: our country is still very ashamed of its slave-holding past and even the mother of all re-enactment towns, Colonial Williamsburg (which I will talk about tomorrow) struggles with how to approach this topic.

Magnolia Plantation, the oldest public tourist site in South Carolina's Lowcountry, doesn't even mention it on their extensive "Magnolia History" page (though they do find the time to say that "The outbreak of the American Civil War would threaten the welfare of the family, the house, and the gardens themselves. But the plantation would recover from the war to see additional growth of the gardens...").

Now, mind you, there is another section on the Magnolia Plantation website all about the Slave Cabin Project (which is about restoring slave cabins), but even there, slavery is never described as an abomination or even as a little bit wrong.

Needless to say, I find this very irritating and am about to write them a letter now to tell them so much.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Byerly's

There's a small 24-hour luxury restaurant/grocery shopping chain in Minneapolis and its surrounding suburbs called Byerly's. When I was growing up, it was equally popular with teenagers and moms (though the two groups rarely interacted while visiting).

What everyone liked about Byerly's was the fact that they served unlimited coffee and you could sit there and drink cup after cup all afternoon while skipping class or all night after sneaking out of the house (or if you were a mom, pretty much any time, day or night, when you were sick of your kids). When you got bored of drinking coffee (and smoking, if that was your thing) you could go out into the carpeted grocery area (yes, that's right, a grocery store with carpeting) and eat samples to your heart's content.

I think my mom would really like a gift certificate for Byerly's. When I was in high school, she and her friend Jeannie were there so often that I'd sometimes run into them when I was out with my own friends. Also, she used to go hog wild over their wild rice soup. I wonder if they even make it anymore. I guess I'll have to ask.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Frank McCourt, denial from Charmin toilet paper

This is what a generic denial letter looks like (courtesy of Charmin toilet paper's parent company, Procter and Gamble). Please note the fact that nowhere in it do they acknowledge my questions (Do you actually care about bears? If so, why is your product made out of 0% recycled paper?). Also, they just flat-out lie:

Thanks for contacting us.

P&G is committed to ensuring our products, packaging, and operations are safe for consumers and the environment. For products that go out with the trash, our approach is to reduce, reuse, recycle, compost, or incinerate waste (with energy recovered) prior to land filling, wherever it's environmentally and economically appropriate.

We're continually researching alternatives for more environmentally improved products and packaging. For more information about what P&G is doing to achieve this, please visit http://www.pg.com/sr

Thanks again for writing.
Gary
P&G Team

Thanks, Gary. Maybe Frank McCourt, one of my mother's favorite writers of all time, will do a better job of answering my questions.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Estee Lauder

Remember when you were a little kid and you used to watch your mother get ready in the morning. She'd put on her make-up. Or slather on some lotion. Or maybe she'd just run a brush through her hair and you'd think, wow my mom sure is pretty!

Well, my mom did all of the above -- the makeup, the lotion, the brush -- and then she'd top it all off with a few spritzes of Estee Lauder's Youth Dew perfume. Needless to say, I was convinced she was the most sophisticated woman on the planet.

I wonder how she'd feel if she caught a whiff of Youth Dew perfume now. Would it take her back to those days of having young children in the house and a women's bowling league to attend on Wednesday mornings? Would it stir happy memories? Or perhaps remind her of days that she's glad to have moved past?

I'm writing to Estee Lauder with the hopes that they will help me find out.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Elderhostel

I've been worried about my mom lately. Her health hasn't been too hot. Her daughters live hundreds of miles away from her. Sometimes she talks seriously about wanting to be a vegan.

Clearly, she could use a bit of love and reason in her life.

Since it's Mother's Day, I've decided there's no better time than now to focus my attention on her. What would make her feel good? What does she love to do when no one else is around? Are there things she would enjoy that she hasn't discovered yet?

Maybe if I write to Elderhostel, I'll get some leads on how to make her feel good.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to Hillary Clinton

Yes, she was the First Lady for eight years. And yes, she was a New York state senator for eight years. And yes, she was the almost-Democratic presidential nominee during this past election. And yes, she is the 67th United States Secretary of State.

But despite everything she's done in law and government and all the professional and personal steps she's taken that are truly trailblazing for women, to a lot of people, she will always be the idiot who took back her husband after he got a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.

I imagine that it's not always easy to be Hillary Clinton. People have a lot of opinions about you, even though most have never come face-to-face with you. You have to have a thick skin. You have to be brave when on those occasions that you don't feel brave.

What has Hillary learned about life over the years? Are there things she would change if she had them to do over? As Oprah says, "what does she know for sure?"

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to Judy Blume

There were several children's book authors who were very important to me as a little kid, probably the same ones that were important to you: Dr. Seuss, Ezra Jack Keats, Shel Silverstein, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and Judy Blume. Sadly, most of them are no longer with us. Fortunately, one of them is: Judy Blume.

Back in my younger years, Judy Blume seemed to understand all sorts of things that I didn't. I wonder if she still does. Does Judy Blume know the meaning of life? Does Judy Blume know why we're here? Are you there, Judy? It's me, Kristen.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to Dr. Phil, lots of FREE coupons from Seventh Generation

Well, it is turning out to be a stellar week for toilet paper and toothpaste gifts. Yesterday, it was the care package from Tom's of Maine (including a book with poems!) and today, $9 in coupons from Seventh Generation-- two for toilet paper, six for cleaning products, and one for baby products. Whoopee!

And right before I got that fat Seventh Generation envelope in the mail, I got a very nice, appreciateive email from their "consumer insights" department that made indirect reference to my letter about sandpaper and rectal areas (almost the same letter I sent to Green Forest), without actually using the words "sandpaper" or "rectal area."

Thank you, Seventh Generation! Thank you so much! I'm going to use those coupons right now to buy toilet paper and then write a letter to Dr. Phil asking about the meaning of life.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to Bono, lots of FREE stuff from Tom's of Maine

Woohoo! Tom's of Maine really pulled out all the stops in response to my letter about their toothpaste. First, they said thank you in a real non-form letter. Second, they said they had no Cinnamint toothpaste in their offices, but would surprise me with something else instead. Third, they sent a whole care package that included TWO tubes of toothpaste (peppermint AND spearmint), as well as a 38-page booklet entitled "The Story of Tom's of Maine and Natural Care." The booklet includes poems, a company timeline, actual letters from customers (maybe mine will be in their next edition), and such fun facts as "Since 2006, all of our products have carried the Halal endorsement."

Thank you, Tom's of Maine! You're the best!

Now, onto today's letter to that superhero of debt-riddled third world nations everywhere, Bono, asking if he knows the meaning of life.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to T.D. Jakes

T.D. Jakes is the chief pastor of Potter's House, a non-denominational mega-church in Texas with 30,000 congregants. He also heads a revival each year called MegaFest that attracts 100,000 worshipers. He's sold thousands of books talking about how believing in Jesus can lead to wealth. And he starred (along with Oprah, Chris Rock, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and lots of other big names) in African American Lives, a documentary series in which famous descendants of slaves learn about their genealogy.

I don't like how overtly he flaunts his wealth. I don't believe that worshipping Jesus makes you rich. I'm sort of freaked out by mega-churches. But, if hundreds of thousands of people already turn to T.D. Jakes for guidance, isn't he a good person to ask about the meaning of life?

I've decided the answer is yes, and not just because he starred in that series I liked so much with Oprah.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to

This week I am asking some people who are thought of as wise about the meaning of life. Today's letter is going out to a man named Bill.

For quite a while, Bill was considered very smart but not very wise. Bill made computers. Bill made lots of money. But, in interviews, Bill gave the impression that no one else mattered.

Then Bill met his wife, Melinda. Along with Melinda, he started a foundation. And suddenly, Bill seemed to be doing a lot of good in the world and showcasing what looked like wisdom.

What does Bill Gates think the meaning of life is? From where does he derive meaning? Hopefully, he will tell me.

The Week Of Asking About The Meaning Of Life: Letter to Michio Kaku

I was having a drink with my friend Eric the other night. He is amazing. Smart as can be and not afraid to say things that need to be said. Our conversation went a little something like this.

Eric: "I think you need to start challenging yourself more with this asking project."

Me: "But I'm Minnesotan. The mere act of asking is a challenge."

Eric: "What do you really want? What's the biggest thing? And I'm not talking about plane tickets from Aer Lingus."

Me: "Aer Lingus sounds so dirty!"

Eric: "I know there's more to all of this than what you're telling us."

Me: "Maybe there is. But maybe I haven't quite figured it out yet."

Eric: "I think once you start asking the harder questions, you'll have a better idea."

Me: "I hope you're right."

We finished our beer. We made fun of Jane Austen. I went home to think about what I want to ask for, or know that I should ask for, but haven't yet.

And then, when I woke up this morning, I wrote a letter to Michio Kaku asking about the meaning of life.

The Week Of Asking For Toilet Paper And Toothpaste: Letter to Seventh Generation

Yes, I'm still writing about recycled toilet paper. And no, I don't mean to be getting on my high horse. First, because I don't even have a horse. And second, because if I did, I'd probably fall off it all the time, like Madonna does.

Besides, if I was lucky enough to enjoy the friendship of a loving equine companion, I'd so much rather have one of those little miniature ponies that work as guide dogs for the visually impaired. Have you seen them? They have shaggy hair and wear these cute little shoes and every time I see a picture of one, I almost cry with love.

My point: I don't have a horse. And I'm no great environmentalist by any stretch of the imagination. But products like Seventh Generation toilet paper make it a lot easier for me to be a little less complacent. And that's what I've told them in today's letter.

The Week Of Asking For Toilet Paper And Toothpaste: Letter to Charmin

Today's Letter:

Dear Charmin,

Beneath the soft and cuddly cartoon family of bears you use to sell your product, you are hiding a very ugly secret: You don't like bears.

How do I know this? Because happy bears live in the company of trees (as shown in your advertisements). And you don't care about trees.

I was reading on the Natural Resources Defense Council's website that: "If every household in the United States replaced just one roll of virgin fiber toilet paper (500 sheets) with 100% recycled ones, we could save 423,900 trees."

I also read on their website that your toilet paper is made out of 0% recycled paper.

Knowing how much of a difference you could make by replacing just a small percentage of your paper with recycled stock, why do you keep insisting on making your product as you do?

This seems so unkind of you: to the trees, to the bears, and to the future consumers whose world is being made a little less lush and green everyday because of you.

Please change the materials you make your toilet paper from. I have no doubt that your current customers will remain loyal to you, and you might even attract some new customers as a result of your choice to make a more responsible product.