The Week Of Asking About Time Travel: Letter to Plimoth Plantation, Green Forest wants to give me free stuff, just not now

I've talked about form letters. And I've talked about personal notes. But

Hello Kristen;

Firstly, thank you for your email, and kind words.

Everyone here would like you to know your support is sincerely appreciated.

Also, we do agree, and recognize that getting our products into the hands of first time consumers is important. Therefore, we hope to have coupons available to potential consumers in the future, and invite you to contact us at a later date to see if they are available.

Again, we thank you for contacting us, and we do apologize for not being able to accommodate your request at this time. However, if we can be of help to you in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Warmest regards,

PLANET INC.

Lottie Boettcher

Consumer Affairs

The Year Of Asking Is On A Temporary Break Due To A Family Emergency

Thank you, everyone, who's recently asked after my whereabouts and well-being. I appreciate your patience with my tardy and non-existent posts over the past couple weeks. Unfortunately, I have been grappling with a health emergency with my mother, who is currently in the hospital and gravely ill. I hope to be up and running again by the second week of June. Please (PLEASE!) come back then. And again, thank you for continuing to support my project.

The Week Of Asking About Time Travel: Letter to Plimoth Plantation, Green Forest wants to give me free stuff, just not now

As I've mentioned before, there are many kinds of form letters. Some are, seemingly, written by a computerized monkey. Some feature a single, subtle, personalized sentence toward the very end that indicates a human might have read your letter. And then there are my favorite kinds of form letters: Those that throw in an entire personalized section for you, but do a lousy job of covering up the fact that the rest of the letter was written by a quality assurance person who retired over ten years ago. Consider this letter from Green Forest (yes, those font changes are theirs, not mine, and no, I did not mess with the grammar in any way):

Hello Kristen;

Firstly, thank you for your email, and kind words.

Everyone here would like you to know your support is sincerely appreciated.

Also, we do agree, and recognize that getting our products into the hands of first time consumers is important. Therefore, we hope to have coupons available to potential consumers in the future, and invite you to contact us at a later date to see if they are available.

Again, we thank you for contacting us, and we do apologize for not being able to accommodate your request at this time. However, if we can be of help to you in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Warmest regards,

PLANET INC.

Lottie Boettcher

Consumer Affairs

My favorite things about this letter:
1. They don't force themselves to make the difficult decision between a comma or a colon in their salutation, but allow themselves to compromise with the all-purpose, not-quite-right semi-colon.
2. They never say that their letter is in response to my inquiry to Green Forest toilet paper. Only through some investigation do I learn that PLANET INC. (not sure why the company name is all in caps) owns Green Forest.
3. The fact that they admit they have nothing to give me for free now, but that they might the next time I ask. Just like a girl on Wednesday night Luther League who's playing hard to get!
4. And, of course, I can't help but love their overt font changes.

Alrightee then. That put me in a good mood. I'm going to write to Plimoth Plantation now, and ask why they spell Plimoth with an "i" when everyone else spells it with a "y."

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede

There are historical reenactments that involve giant stadiums and there are historical reenactments that involve the Civil War, but only Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede (branches in Myrtle Beach, Branson, and just outside Dollywood) combine the two for a rollicking Civil War reenactment stadium style dining experience!

From what I've been told, when guests arrive at the Stampede, they are seated in either the Confederate or Union cheering section (and apparently, they aren't given a choice of which). Once seated, they are treated to rodeo-style tricks, a four-course meal served by southern belles, and yes, a battle between Lee's and Grant's armies.

I can't imagine a better way to experience our nation's rich history!

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to the Medieval Times

Some people like to say the word "huzzah" and dress up in pointy hats and play games with 13-sided dice and pretend that they are being followed around by dragons.

I am not one of those people.

I do, however, think you'd have to be lunatic not to enjoy a night of Renaissance-era stadium-style entertainment courtesy of the Medieval Times in New Jersey.

I know what you're thinking: what's the difference?

Well, my friends, trust me. There are MANY MANY MANY differences between D and D loving dorks and historical reenactment enthusiasts.

Among them: 1) D and D dorks experience life through fantasy. 2) Historical reenactment enthusiasts experience life through reality. 3) D and D dorks know how to talk in elfin languages. 4) Historical reenactment enthusiasts have had sex.

I would like to enjoy some of the history that the Medieval Times has to offer, and I would like to experience it for free. Maybe I'll even get my boyfriend to set aside his Magic The Gathering cards long enough to come and join me. Afterwards, if I'm lucky, we'll go home, cuddle on the couch, and enjoy a little historical reenacting of our own.

The Week Of Asking For Time Travel: Letter to Old Sturbridge Village, apologies to my readers

Several of you have kindly pointed out to me that I've been rather negligent about getting my posts up on time over the past week. It's been so bad, in fact, that at one point I didn't post anything new for three full days.

For this, I apologize.

But, please, if I may, let me explain why: I'm busy.

Yes, I know. We're all busy.

But really. I'm super busy.

I don't want to get into the full details just now, but let's put it this way. I have, until the end of the month, a very time-consuming short-term job. In addition to that, I have my on-going part-time gig (which I will tell you more about someday soon). And on top of all that, I have my Year of Asking.

I know. It doesn't sound like that much. It could be a thousand times worse. I could have eighteen kids like those Duggers on TLC or a strenuous new dance routine to learn every week like those D-listers on Dancing with the Stars or a complicated race around the world to complete like those people on The Amazing Race or even worse: I could be someone with a family and job and not involved in TV.

In any event, what I have to contend with keeps me awfully busy and wishing that I had a lot more time.

And so, this week, I am asking for just that -- time and time travel, in the most realistic and exciting way it can currently be experienced: through historical reenactments.

My first letter will be to Old Sturbridge Village, the expansive New England living history museum that refers to itself on its website as a "must see" destination.

Why they choose to put quotation marks around the words "must see" I am not clear. Perhaps I will ask in my letter.

The Week Of Asking All About My Mother: Letter to Al Franken

Today's letter:

Dear Al,

You probably don't remember me. We met a couple year's ago the wedding of my friends Joel (your former Air America employee) and Linda (his now wife). At the wedding, you were kind enough to humor me with a couple of joint shots in the photo booth.

As we kidded around, I told you how much I liked photo booths and how much I loved Linda and Joel and how great I thought it was that, like me, you were both a New Yorker and a Minnesotan.

But what I didn't tell you was that -- like a lot of middle aged women and socially awkward men -- my mom LOVES you. She loves the work you did on Saturday Night Live. She was one of your biggest cheerleaders during your senate race. And she was tickled pink when I showed her the pictures of the two of us in the photo booth.

This is why I'm writing. Ever since you more or less secured the senate seat in Minnesota, and Barack Obama secured the other big seat in the Oval Office, my mom has been really bummed out. This isn't your fault (obviously). It's a lot of things. But I do think she misses having something to be feisty about.

And here's where the favor comes in: Would you (if you have the time) do me a favor and send my mom a postcard, photo, or note asking her to keep up the good fight? Or maybe it can say: "You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you." Or maybe even: "I'm secretly a Republican!" I can't tell you how happy it would make her.

Regardless, I know you're really busy, but if you have a couple minutes to spare, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you, and congratulations on becoming newest senator of the great state of Minnesota!